PM ANNOUNCES RELIEF FOR CENTRAL COMMUTERS
Prime Minister Patrick Manning today announced that he will be taking immediate steps to alleviate the distress of thousands of commuters who are left stranded during the regular rainy season floods which plague Central Trinidad. After consultation with the National Office of Disaster Preparedness and the Minister of Works and Transport, the Prime Minister announced that his government will be purchasing 200 new jet skis which will take commuters across the swollen Caroni River in “one minute flat”.
He also revealed plans to purchase 100 new pole vaults for athletically-inclined commuters who might prefer to make the journey by air.
Plans are also in the pipeline for the purchase of deep sea diving equipment including oxygen tanks, to offer travellers even more flexibility in their transportation choices during periods of prolonged rainfall.
Members of the public wishing to use these new forms of transportation are asked to purchase tickets during the dry season in order to avoid the peak flood season rush.
Reliable sources close to Mr Manning, stated that the new public transportation plan was in keeping with the Prime Minister’s 20-20 vision which will elevate Trinidad and Tobago “sinking or swimming” to the status of a first world country by the year 2020.
OPPOSITION LEADER DEFENDS HOUSE SLEEPER
Opposition Leader Kamla Persad-Bissessar has hit out against accusations that a newly appointed UNC Senator was seen to have fallen asleep during his first day in Parliament.
Mrs Persad- Bissessar defended the beleaguered senator by claiming that he was very enthusiastic about the appointment and had not really fallen asleep but in fact had meditated himself into a theta-level trance so that he could empty his mind of all distracting thoughts in order to concentrate more deeply on the proceedings in the House.
She went on to further deny that he was seen drooling while sleeping on himself.
According to Mrs Persad-Bissessar what detractors actually saw was a trickle of perspiration running down his face as a result of his intense concentration on the House debates.
The usually affable Opposition Leader was in a fighting mood as she chided observers for their nit-picking and ignorance about theta-level empty mind meditation techniques.
According to the Oppostion Leader,“The minds of most of the honourable members of the House have been empty for years and no one has ever complained before.Why pick on this senator now?”
Up to press time Mrs Persad- Bisessar could not be reached for further comment.
PM‘S NEW PLAN TO EASE TRAFFIC CONGESTION
Prime Minister Patrick Manning has announced a new plan to ease the ever-increasing traffic congestion on the nation’s highways and main access roads.
At a media briefing session yesterday Mr Manning unveiled a masterplan which would encourage drivers to leave their vehicles at home and instead head to work on 15-foot wooden moko jumbie poles.
“I am surprised that no one ever thought of this idea before” an incredulous Manning told reporters.
“It is a win win situation for everyone. Commuters will get exercise and fresh air and will save money on gas and maintenance bills.
“Commuters will also enjoy the added benefit of being able to cross flood waters with no damage to their shoes.
“The EMA will be happy because there will less car emission gases in the air which means less pollution.
“And most importantly the widespread use of this apparatus will make criminal detection easier for the air surveillance security craft such as helicopters and blimps. Lawmen in the air will now have close-up views of criminals who might be fleeing the scene of a crime on their 15-foot moko jumbie poles.
“I anticipate that the nation will see a 100 % increase in the criminal detection rates once we get these poles on the road.”
The Prime Minister further revealed that he intends to hold talks with several sawmills across the country with the intention of making termite-resistant wooden poles available to the public at an affordable price.
The Barataria Folk Performers have already been approached with a view to offering pole-walking coaching sessions to interested members of the public.
PM GRANTS INDEPENDENCE TO NORTH EAST COAST
According to Prime Minister Patrick Manning, residents of the North East Coast can now breathe easier because they will no longer feel cut off from the rest of Trinidad whenever a landslide occurs during the wet season.
The Prime Minister’s statement came in response to residents who have been complaining about the frequent landslides that disrupt the flow of traffic into and out of the area for prolonged periods.
Mr Manning elaborated on his plan by revealing his government’s intention to grant them independence and total autonomy as a separate nation state so they no longer feel isolated from the rest of the country during these emergencies.
The decision was taken when a Special Commission of Enquiry set up to investigate the situation reported that “independence was the only viable solution to stop the incessant complaining from that side of the world.”
Residents of the area are reported to be in shock over the decision but plans are already in the works to declare Toco as the capital city of the region.
The Prime Minister was quick to point out that residents of the North East Coast will be allowed to visit the rest of Trinidad and Tobago but would be required to show a valid passport and visa to immigration and custom officials at the ports of entry.
